by IGN
When you spend enough time with a person - be it a sibling, a friend, or a spouse - you come to appreciate their quirks and foibles. Sometimes you'll find those quirks to be unbearably annoying, other times downright hilarious. The flipside, of course, is that you learn how to press their buttons and chuckle uncontrollably as they respond in precisely the way you expected. After 20 years, that pretty much sums up my relationship with Golden Axe on Mega Drive/Genesis. I quite literally know how to press its buttons and have a good old chortle when the expected hilarity ensues. Allow me to let you in on the joke.
LOST IN TRANSLATION
Before we begin, however, something needs to be acknowledged:
... There are no actual golden axes in Golden Axe...
Well, that's not entirely true. The dwarf wielded a golden axe in the arcade version, but its brilliant yellow sheen was lost in the migration to the Mega Drive/Genesis (hereafter referred to as Mega Drive - sorry America). Why someone would neglect to carry over something so fundamental to the title is anybody's guess, but I would like to offer up a few theories.
False advertising?
Theory Number One relates to the Japanese Kanji characters behind the English title text. It essentially reads "Battle Axe" or "War Axe", with some interesting war-like embellishments. The rest of this equation is a chicken and egg question: does the "Battle Axe" still refer to the dwarf's weapon of choice, or does it refer to the game's "main" character (and Golden Axe fans know that I use that term very loosely), Ax Battler? I am inclined to say the former, but the blue-booted barbarian did go on to star in his own Game Gear title, Ax Battler: A Legend of Golden Axe two years later.
The instruction manual reckons that the game's villain Death Adder wields the Golden Axe, and yet it is so blatantly brown in both the arcade and home versions.
Arcade Gold versus Arcade Brown.
Either way it's fair to say that Team Shinobi *probably* didn't think the game was about a golden axe when they ported it to the Mega Drive.
DEB'S PLACE
Something else that was lost in translation, or perhaps gained, is the mystery of Deb's house.
Who is Deb?
For years I would ponder the meaning of "DEB", inscribed on a plaque above an unassuming doorway. What is Deb? Who is Deb? Is it the name of those two bruisers bursting out the door? It wasn't until I noted the plaque's absence from the arcade version that I realised: this is an inn, and that sign is meant to read "BED"! In the Japanese tradition of reading from right to left, the word was written backwards. It's a curious thing, because someone went out of their way to add this to the Mega Drive version. Someone wanted to tell us what that building was normally for.
TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT LEDGE
The main source of Golden Axe's hilarity is its piss-poor enemy AI. Even using the term "AI" is pushing it, unless the 'I' stands for 'Idiot'. Something you'll learn very quickly is that an enemy in Golden Axe will always take the most direct route to reach you. The next thing you'll notice is that there are a lot of cliffs, pits, and ledges for them to walk off in their efforts to meet you. Like so:
Goodbye!
The key is to simply stand in the right place and they'll follow without question. Some enemies need a little more encouragement, but it's nothing a quick jump attack or barge can't fix.
THE BARGE 'N' DODGE
This brings me to an old favourite, the Barge 'n' Dodge. It doesn't take long to realise that most enemies will snap into a run-and-barge animation as soon as you're a certain distance away. So, the trick is - find your favourite ledge and stand near it, keeping that barge-enticing distance from the oncoming foe. Sure as eggs, he'll barge at you, but you've already moved out of his way as he sails to a bottomless doom:
Adios!
Be forewarned, though, if you're a bit tardy with the D-pad, you're going down with him. It's a classic case of risk and reward, so there's always a hint of excitement there.
My favourite variation of the Barge 'n' Dodge takes place at the beginning of Stage 7. All you need to do is run and barge across the divide and wait on the tiny strip of ground for your enemy to chase you.
He'll get a small hit on you. The difference is you'll land and he won't.
ARGY-BARGY
Now, the barge, when operated correctly, can be a very valuable asset. In fact, there isn't an enemy in Golden Axe that can withstand the power of a simple barge. I call this one the Argy-Bargy, and the trick is to separate two enemies with one on either side. Then run and barge back and forth, alternating between the enemies on your left and right side. This is better achieved in single player mode, but with timing and caution two players can make it look pretty damn cool:
Like Chuck Norris and Jonathan Brandis in Sidekicks.
KING OF THE HILL
I actually call this one the "I'm-the-King-of-the-Castle-and-You're-the-Dirty-Rascal" play, but for posterity's sake you can just call it the King of the Hill. The beginning of Stage 4 is a race to the top. Run and jump to the top of the rafters, stand in the centre of the platform's edge, then start jumping and hacking like a mad dog. It doesn't matter if they're in line with you or not, your pursuers will glide gracefully into your blade and land face-first in the cobblestones below.
Let me axe you a question.
THE SKELETON TRICK
I was once of the belief that Death Bringer's skeletal minions were the toughest blighters in the game – what with them being invincible skeleton warriors and all – and don't get me wrong, if you're playing alone, they still are. But my sister brought this to my attention when we were last playing. "Do you know the Skeleton Trick?" she asked me.
"The Skeleton Trick?!"
"Yeah, you get one guy to walk up and down so the skeletons follow him, while the other guy takes down the boss."
Also known as the Pied Piper technique.
And you know what? It really works. Those stupid skeletons will follow you up and down all day if you let them, and they won't so much as lay a hand on you. It was such a revelation I couldn't believe I hadn't tried it sooner.
THE DAISYCUTTER
I don't know why I was surprised. My sister's always had it in for those skeletons. This is her other favourite skeleton exploit, which I have dubbed The Daisycutter. All it involves is standing on a lower-set platform and hacking at their magical knee-caps:
How do they hold together?
GIVING CREDIT WHERE CREDIT'S DUE
The comedy keeps coming long after the game ends. Golden Axe's end credits are arguably the most entertaining of any video game, and offer us a rare glimpse into the developers' psyche. Like this:
Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.
Team Shinobi really like their alcohol. Initially I thought they had named only a handful of enemies after beer ingredients – Sergeant Malt, Sergeant Hop, and Colonel Bitter – but upon closer inspection, I was astonished to discover that almost every enemy character had been named after choice lagers and spirits from all around the world. Heninger is just one 'N' away from a German beer, Henninger Premium Lager. General Heartland is named after a Bavarian black lager of the same name.
Your enemies have met their match.
Storchinaya is a minor mistranslation of Stolichnaya, the famous Russian vodka. Lemanaya – Storchinaya's palette-swapped sister – is simply Lemonaya, Stolichnaya's lemon-flavoured cocktail mixer. Storchinaya's siblings turned out to be more obscure Russian references. Gruziya is another name for Georgia, the former Soviet state, while Strobaya is a Russian restaurant in Tokyo. You might also recognise it as the name of a steroid-bound wrestler in the St. Petersburg level of Strider.
Two characters that aren't named after beers or Russia are the Bad Brothers, who are weirdly reminiscent of the Hammer Brothers from Super Mario Bros. I mean, they're brothers, they wield hammers, and they hang about in Turtle Village…
Coincidence? You decide!
CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS
The credits roll on and so do the hits. You may find this hard to believe, but the usual name for a two-legged dragon with a rooster's head is a "Cockatrice" (Elizabethan literature – long story). The person who put them in Golden Axe probably couldn't be bothered explaining this, and so now we're left with "Chicken-Leg". You may also recognise "Chicken-Leg" from his return appearance in Altered Beast.
It's kind of like a chicken... I guess, and it certainly has legs. I christen thee Chicken-Leg!
The instruction manual calls them something else entirely: Bizarrians. Bizarre but true.
PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON
And then there are the diminutive thieves. Apparently the Blue Thief deals in "pot", which might explain the strange sight of lightning, lava, and dragons when you use the stuff. Magic indeed.
Quick! Kill them!
Which reminds me, when I've had my fill of magic and there's a Blue Thief doddering about, I always find it fun to kick him down a hole:
"This is madness!"... "THIS IS SPARTA!!"
THE MAIN COURSE
Finally we get to our main characters. Ax Battler, you'll be astonished to find, wields no axe at all.
But then, are you really surprised by anything at this point?
Tyris Flare's weight is not disclosed, because hey, it would be rude to ask her, and, well, look at her! Would you ask her?! Gilius Thunderhead is the most appropriately named of the three; after all, he does pack a rather mighty head-butt.
THE NAME GAME
The guys at Team Shinobi saved the best names for themselves. Software designer "Moto CBX1000" appears to have named himself after his favourite Honda motorbike. "Kyonsy Kyonsy" provided the visual effects for his name, and the game as well. "Decky" the sound designer likes to mix it up. So does Assistant Programmer "Vinyl Boy". "S2" could refer to a Soviet submarine, a Finnish torpedo boat, or a turbo-charged sports car, but in this case it's the name of the other Assistant Programmer. To top it all off, we have Director "Bros 400" (another Honda motorbike!) and Assistant Director "Opa-Opa" (the living, egg-shaped spaceship protagonist from Fantasy Zone!)
Software Design proudly brought to you by Honda!
Was game development so shameful an occupation in Japan that they feared to attach their real names to such a great game? I'd be kicking myself when resume-writing time rolled around. Sometimes, for peace of mind, I like to imagine that the credits are more like sponsorship deals than roll calls.
In any other game, all of this would be joyless nit-picking, but with Golden Axe it's more like an Easter egg hunt. Every weird habit; every idiosyncrasy; all it does is make me love the game more. It's like finding out your best friend secretly enjoys dressing up potatoes as people; it's only ever going to make them more interesting to be around.
So here's to you, Team Shinobi, for the golden times had and for many, many more in days to come. May you enjoy cold beers in the light of a golden sun, and revel in the game that you have done.
Indeed.
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